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What now?



Hello. How are you? It's been so long.

Writing as if I'm speaking to someone feels natural, and crazy. I know no one would probably read this but me, but I want to publish it. As if hitting that orange button with the word "Publish" on it is somehow going to change the way I'm feeling right now.

I am lost. Very, very lost.

My mind wants to be in this stable, no-fuss, high-paying career choice but my heart still is longing for the freelance stuff I talked about 2-3 years ago. Remember?

The "working as a barista during the day and creating for clients at night" typa stuff?

The longing is still here and I can't shake it off any longer.

Now, my heart hurts whenever I see an Etsy seller in her home studio. My stomach churns whenever I get a glimpse of the life of the many many self-made entrepreneurs that I watch on YouTube.

My heart is in pain because even though I try to stop myself from thinking it, my brain sputters out the words "That's the life I want."

I'm the most grateful person you'll ever meet. I can honestly say that and not cringe because of how truthful it is. I love my job, my boss, my career. And I'm not miserable, nor am I unhappy. I'm happy because I do get fulfillment whenever I get things done and work with my team.

But when things get quiet. When I try to truly listen to what my intuition is saying, it's always telling me that I should pursue what I've been wanting to pursue since the day I graduated from university. I want to start creating the business that I've been putting off creating for so fucking long.

I don't know when it's going to start.
I don't know if I still have the guts to let go of being safe.
I just know that if I don't atleast take steps towards my dream, I'd rather be dead.


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