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Fuck Imperfections : Journey to Self Love #SelfLoveSeries

 I've decided to make the month of June all about self-care and self-love and to start if off, let me share with you my personal journey with trying to love myself. This is a bit lengthy so just a heads up. But if you can read until the end, let me know. Thanks again for being here, dear reader.

I've heard it all. 
"You could be a blogger. Just not a fashion blogger because you're not skinny enough."
"Maybe if you were just more quiet, guys would like you."
"You're such a mess."
"You cheeks are too big."
"Your nose spread out too much when you laugh."
"You're charming. In a funny way."
"You only look good in pictures."
"Magaling ka kasing umanggulo" (You reaaalllyy know your angles.)

I never felt that I was different until people made me realize that being the chubby friend, the "noisy" friend, the too-clingy friend was wrong. I never thought that expressing myself freely would bring so much hate that it caused me my peace of mind. I never thought that my body would be a prison of hate and judgement. I never thought that I'd be hating myself when years ago, I had the persistence of a bull and the confidence of a motherfucking boss ass bitch. I've never felt more cowardice than when I'm putting on make up, more weak than when I'm speaking up, more egotistical than when I'm loving my body.

So I silenced the opinions in my head.
I stopped writing my thoughts thinking that I'm annoying everyone.
I tiptoed on what I post on my blog when it comes to outfits.
I shied away from attending events, birthdays...

I stopped loving myself because I hated my body.

This mindset had taken its toll on my health and personal life. I've been dieting and exercising only whenever I feel like my body looks big. I've been trying to eat less to fit into a certain size... almost everything in my life revolved around looking a certain way.

It exhausted the shit out of me but I kept going because I thought that pressure would morph me into the beautiful skinny, fair-skinned standard of the media. I ate less, slept more. Fed my brain with ways I could have spent my time instead of eating. I thought I was taking care of my body by starving it evil calories and sugar.

And instead of making me feel good about myself, it made me feel worse.

I would dread at how slow my diet is giving me results so I'd amp up my fasting and sleep more. I'd  look at different threads on the internet such as the Pro-Ana movement and #thinspiration. I wouldn't want to go to public restrooms because I wouldn't want to look at, see myself in the mirror in public for fear or feeling uncomfortable the whole day I'm out. I just hated myself so much.

The truth is, I don't even know why I wanted June to be all about self-care and self-love. I'm not even close to loving myself. Right now I think, maybe it's because I know deep inside that this journey towards looking for ways to be happy with one's (my) self and sharing it with you, dear readers, will help me. It gives me peace to know that you're here to really read what I have to say. And I promise you, you won't regret it. I'm so ready to be okay with the skin I'm in: media standards and all. I am done taking revenge on this body that has taken so much bullshit from my head and what I've been doing to it. I want to take care of myself. I want to love myself because I deserve it.

This month, I will be sharing little ways to give in little kicks of confidence and self love. The tips are somewhat personal but don't worry. I bet you'll still get a tip or two from this series. Everyone deserves a little bit of help and a lot of self-love.  I'm quite excited (but of course, very nervous) about this series. Do spread the word. Not about the blog, but about what you'll learn with me throughout the month.

Ending this post with a quote I read somewhere. See you next week. I can't wait to share with you what I have in store.




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